Despite overwhelming odds, we failed. We, the last line of defense in the ongoing battle for condiment supremacy, let everyone down.
Ketchup lost the first official Splatoon 2 Splat Fest. To make matters worse, ketchup lost to mayonnaise. This news came as a shock to me, but imbalance of ketchup lovers to mayo fiends meant that more than half of my Splat Fest battles were ketchup against ketchup. Those skirmishes were rendered meaningless in the Splat Fest, so I can't say I was much help against the mayo army.
Let this be a lesson to all my ketchup enthusiasts. Don't ever underestimate the ruthlessness of the enemy, even if we vastly outnumber them. Let this also be a lesson for Nintendo. Don't pick such ridiculous options. Half the people I know don't like mayonnaise. I think I've met, like, three people who dislike ketchup. And it's not even like they hated ketchup, they just didn't love it. I mean, they'd eat it with french fries or something, but there are people who hate mayo, so the choice was kinda easy for some folks.
However my fellow tomato and sugar loving friends, fear not. The battle may be lost, but these food wars are not over if the first Splat Fests are any indication (the Splatoon 2 beta was cake (the correct choice) against ice cream).
And as friend of the program* Edwin Starr once said, "War, huh, yeah. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing."
*Edwin Starr is not a friend of the program, but I wish he was. He is dead.
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